I wish I could find the magic formula for keeping my life together. I can see quite clearly that I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know what it is. And once a year, everything goes all to hell. I need to find a new job, possibly a new place to live and a new direction for my energy. I have hated what I do for a living for most of my adult life, but the idea of changing makes me feel desperate and shaky, because I really need to have steady money, and changing careers usually comes with unsteady money. It all sucks. I wish I could back up 20 years and start again. I wish I could believe that if I did, I would do something different now.
The most insane part of this is that I'm not only in charge of my life, I'm in charge of two other lives, and how am I supposed to give them guidance when I am acutely aware, every day, that I have no fucking clue what I am doing? If there was a business I could sign up for that would just call me every morning with a list of how to run my life, I think I would subscribe. The problem is that the only ones I know of want to throw God into the mix, and I'm not interested in hearing a justification for why someone else knows how to run my life better than I do, I'm just interested in having someone do it.
Ack, I told myself that I should have gone to bed hours ago. See what comes out of my head when I take cold medicine and then don't go to sleep?
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