Staring at Infinity

I had another conversation yesterday about why I don't get married. I hate these conversations because they are all purely and totally a bunch of me spouting bullshit, and not knowing whether to think other people are pathetic for not seeing through it, or I'm pathetic for being so transparent. There's just no way to say that the reason I don't get married is that I've spent more years of my life than I really want to think about with someone who doesn't want to marry me.

What does that say about me? Clearly I'm damaged, because why else would I waste my life this way? (As opposed to what way? We don't have enough time for that.) And even though I've brought it up, I'm not willing to push the issue, because even though this really doesn't work for me, having less than I have now would work even less. I don't have the energy to try to find someone else, especially not after all the hours I spend entering sweepstakes and applying over and over to astronaut training. I need therapy. Unfortunately about the only kind I'm willing to consider at the moment is massage therapy, and that's not going to get me anything but a little extra sleep. I can get that thinking about my future.